虐待和创伤后的新开始

我是儿童性侵和可怕创伤的幸存者。我生命的开始是艰难而痛苦的，我在不知“如何生活”的情况下长大。我不知道如何做人。我没有身份。我没有旅行，也没有护照。患有CSA的人都知道这是什么感觉。你离开家后会发生什么?在你离开施虐者去上大学或工作之后。你如何融入社会?一个不断变化的社会充满了来自各行各业的人。 Where do you go at first for those brand-new nights alone? The answer is not always as simple as where you go but more appropriately, how do you know where to go? Who do you trust in those first vital few days?

如果你在一个充满爱的家庭中长大，你会遇到家庭朋友，你会像一张大网一样在你周围建立友谊。它有点像蜘蛛网，围绕着你，支撑着你。你社交得越多，你就越擅长。作为一个受虐待的孩子，交流和社交不会像在一个充满爱和支持的环境中那样发生。大多数情况下，根本没有沟通，或者是操纵和单方面的。建立在威胁和恐惧基础上的关系永远不会发展成良好的关系。因此，作为一个虐待的受害者，你没有网，没有蜘蛛网般的惊人的网络朋友可以帮助你，因为你准备好迈出第一步进入社会。这种跳跃对任何人来说都是可怕的，但作为虐待的受害者，这就像跳进了黑洞。你不知道接下来会发生什么，但你把自己置于危险之中，因为它永远不可能像你曾经经历过的那样糟糕。

全新的开始

当我跳起来的时候，我不得不从头再来，我吓坏了。我秘密地办了一本护照来证明我的身份，我还攒了钱买了一张尽可能远的机票。我想离我的家人越远越好，这样他们就不会再伤害我了。我觉得我完全是一个人，事实上——我是!感觉就像我必须一步一步地面对整个世界。我不相信任何人，如果有必要，我愿意露宿街头。首先，在与家人断绝联系后，我必须学习社交暗示，以及如何与人交谈和相处。这些年来，我做了很多研究，学会了向自己想去的地方问路。这并不容易，我在镜子前练习了很多。我知道去哪里找份工作，赚足够的钱买一间单间公寓。 I also knew that the apartment would be located in one of the worst places to live in the city, but I had no possessions other than a few old clothes, my notebooks, and my guitar. I didn’t really care where I was, I was away from THEM. When I closed my own front door that first day, I closed my eyes and sank down onto the floor, and sobbed. Relief and terror are all catching up with me. I had made it somehow. I was free and I had a job as a dishwasher/cleaner in a restaurant. Things were looking up.

当我一直处于紧张状态时，我尽我最大的努力去洗漱和清洁。同事们取笑我是新来的。那只是和我年龄相仿的年轻人开的无伤大雅的玩笑，但我没有像其他人那样对这些笑话做出反应。我很紧张，很快就变得“古怪”。有个小伙子碰过我的肩膀。这是无害的，但我尖叫得太大声了，整个房间变得死一般的安静。他吓了我一跳。在最初的几个星期里，我经常感到筋疲力尽，常常忽略自己的肩膀，以免遇到危险。我不习惯干重体力活，我对任何事情都很警觉。我当时并不知道我患有复杂的创伤后应激障碍。 I was having nightmares most nights, but my dreams were so full of terror they didn’t make sense. I was worried my abusers would find me and drag me back to my old life.

我在公寓里住的时间很短，因为我付不起房租。我那微薄的积蓄用光了，作为一个洗碗工，我甚至把我称之为家的简陋工作室的房租和账单都算错了。我很幸运，无意间进入了一家招聘住家保姆的广告公司。我很珍惜这个机会，因为到那个周末我就无家可归了。我被录用了，突然间，我把自己的破房子搬进了郊区一所大房子里的一个房间。我以为我挖到了金子!

我的邮政编码的现实不断地让我的大脑感到眼花缭乱，我是安全的，在一个完美的家庭里，我开始慢慢地落到地面上。我的着陆既艰难又痛苦。我是最势利的，被宠坏的小流氓的保姆，他们无休止地取笑我利用他们的父母把我的生活变成一场新的噩梦。父母讨厌我，觉得受到了我的威胁。我! ?到底为什么有人会被我威胁?我不会伤害任何人!这家人让我打扫他们的房子，洗衣服和照顾孩子。这包括父母的洗衣和床单。我的工作是保姆，但最后成了奴隶。 The family had the heating turned off in my room so I ended up sleeping in full clothing and a hat and gloves when it was winter. My hands and lips were blue as I shivered in the cold. My room was on the end of a wing and had two outside windows, so I felt the cold all right. On top of that, the family chose to not heat the house and only heated the main room where they all spent their evenings. I was not invited. I was the help. Nothing more and once my “duties” has been done, I was expected to leave the house. I lived there! They wanted me gone because the parents thought I was listening to their conversation. They were important figures in society and my presence was not welcome. The family refused to give me their spare car and so I had no option but to walk to wherever, every single night. My trust in other human beings was at that point on an all-time “rock bottom”. I was cold and wet pacing the streets and avoiding being arrested in the winter. In the summer I could hide in the parks for hours and write. You probably wonder why I didn’t leave. I guess the answer is that as bad as it was, I had somewhere to go to call “home”. The kids were horrible because all their previous nannies had left and until I had stayed with them a while, they wouldn’t trust me. I stayed because I felt I couldn’t sink any lower or do better. Until I came up with a plan, I would put on my smile, get up each day and be the best nanny I could be. The house was beautiful, the shower was a new power shower, and no one timed me in the bathroom. The family allowed me to bake and I got the kids to help me. It opened up a bond with them and slowly they began to trust me. I played my guitar with them and got them to sing and practice for their school play.

作为答谢，作为家里的母亲，你帮我报了城里的大学夜校。这是一所名声很好的大学，我简直不敢相信我的运气。我发现我可以坐火车进城。我的课程让我离开家的时间更长了，给了家人他们想要的隐私。我的第一节课很难，因为我太紧张了，无法参加。我发现除了我的名字以外很难开口说话。随着最初几个星期的过去，我发现我完全有能力做这项工作。事实上，它太简单了，所以我被提升到高级班。几个月后，我就可以自己教这门课了。在那几个月里，我学会了如何与人沟通。 I still had my “spidey sense” about people. Somehow, I knew straight away if I was going to be able to trust them eventually or if they would hurt me. The little hairs at the back of my neck would never lie as they stood to full alert if I felt something was off. I learned that all of society is not bad and out to hurt you. Most people have no idea what you have been through as a survivor. It is not written on my forehead in invisible ink. I never had a tattoo that said worthless and stupid like I believed, ignoring my common sense. I was the right age for a college student, and I made new friends who were my own age. My little friend network was starting to form.

我的朋友们意识到我的生活很艰难，他们帮我买了适合我的时髦衣服。他们帮我用我辛苦赚来的钱开了一个银行账户，我还能找到一份兼职志愿者工作，这是一份有报酬的工作。18个月后，我已经打开了足够的大门来管理自己的生活，所以我离开了家庭，我可以自立了。我从一个小老太太那里租了一个房间，她在丈夫去世后只是想有人陪她。

你离开虐待你的家庭的第一年是怎么度过的?你向谁求助了?你去哪儿了?生活还在继续。这是最困难的事情之一，但如果你像我一样，你没有其他选择。外面有很多像我们这样的人，在遭受虐待后仍然活了下来。你也可以做到。坚持住!

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