作为一个母亲,没有什么比看到我女儿遭受更令人心碎。上周,几天后在我的床上,不说话,不动,她蜷缩在一个球,哭诉她的情绪痛苦。我在她身边坐下,沉默。我轻轻地把我的手放在她的后背,非常轻,她知道她不愿意让别人碰他。我们呆了几分钟。我知道这不是那一刻说不出话来。我有眼泪在我的眼睛,但是我和她坐在那里,直到她开始告诉我她的想法在她的心和沉重的。,没有新内容,真的。没关系,我只是听她,点头,验证她的感受和经历。最后,她似乎平静下来。 She offloaded all that was weighing her down, in mind, body, and spirit.

看到我的孩子这样的让我想起了我在的时候总绝望。作为一个小的孩子,和一个十几岁的女孩,我真的很不舒服。成长在一个虐待的家庭不会让任何人快乐,不是吗?我独自一人:我周围的成年人,以及我的兄弟姐妹,一直告诉我我只是喜欢不快乐,我没有在我的脑海里。我没有一个转向。我答应我自己,如果我有孩子,我不会这样对待他们。我将支持他们在他们需要的时刻。当我怀孕了,我等不及要见她。我拒绝了对患产后抑郁症的支持。我不能想象需要它! Once my daughter arrived, I suffered greatly. Looking back, I understand I was drowning in emotional flashbacks, which triggered my CPTSD. I felt crazy and was in despair I asked for support from my partner at the time, his family, and a Buddhist community I was a member of, but they kept telling me: “You are a mother now, you have the love in the world!” or “It will be ok.” I felt terrified of hurting my baby just as my mother hurt me. I was frustrated, angry, restless, and very unhappy. It took me a while to bond with my child. I took myself to therapy. I didn’t want to transfer my pain and my anger onto my child, just as my mother did to me.

上我自己的挑战,我们经历了很多。我和她父亲的关系的破裂是创伤,我不得不搬到一个妇女的避难所。在律师的帮助下,周末访问安排。还有我的不懈的努力治愈一切是为了我的孩子。有时候我没有精力照顾小孩充满生命力,的时候,我想做的就是死亡。我不断地推动自己成为一个单身母亲全职工作。我仍在寻找爱情我没有作为一个孩子,在所有错误的地方。每次拒绝后,我感到自杀,真的是难以继续。直到另一个不健康的关系结束了。她的父亲和他操纵她移动。我离开我的工作,因为我真的很不舒服,自我伤害。 A few months later, not able to afford a private two-bedroom flat, I was homeless, penniless, and was moved into a care setting. During this period I felt so guilty: I wasn’t able to be a mother to my girl. I was so busy looking for someone to love ME, I didn’t step up as a mother. I was selfish. Maybe my mother was right, after all: I am not good at anything. I overdosed a few times and it once brought me to A&E. I’d visit her at her father’s but she wouldn’t look at me and barely spoke to me.

我终于安定下来在我自己的公寓,和从那里,我们的债券得到加强。作为她成长为一个青少年,我成为了一个她了,对她的经历。我的家成了她安全的地方她自己被爱和自由。当她开始有情绪和心理困难,我感到内疚。还是很难支持她当我,我自己,没有感觉很棒但是我决心为她存在,无论它是什么。我不想让她独自为我成长。我想保持这个承诺的爱她、支持她的一生。

在过去的五年里,我学会了感受和爱我自己通过自己的困难,我开始看我的旅程和同情自己。不,我从来没有疯狂或困难,作为一个孩子。我被虐待。我知道,我是多么的不受欢迎的,很长一段时间,我想死。我不是一个爱成瘾者或“无序”。我是遭受创伤深深的依恋。我没有失业,因为我懒惰和无用的,我一直很不舒服。恢复不是一个目的地。童年创伤的幸存者或CPTSD,复苏是每一天。我已经学了没有好或坏的感觉。 I discovered that inside of me there isn’t just ONE inner child but many inner parts. I learned to listen to and to lovingly accept the small rejected baby, the terrified child, the angry teenager, the lonely ones, the one who was in despair to be loved, and the one who really wanted to die. Thanks to Dr. Kristin Neff’s Mindful Self-Compassion, I meditate to receive, to give to myself, compassion, love, and kindness, as well as send all this goodness to my daughter. I breathe for both of us, especially in difficult times. When I see her in total despair, and it brings up a lot for me, I take what Neff’s calls a compassionate break. I don’t see my child as misbehaving, as “disordered” or being difficult: she is suffering and she needs my love. Of course, as a mother, I wish I had magical powers to take away her pain. I wished I was allowed to put her in bubble warp, protecting her from the world.

很长一段时间,我想停止我的家庭模式的拒绝,虐待和遗弃,就意味着她不会遭受精神和情感上的痛苦。我不再感到内疚,但我很难过,她要经历这个。我明白有很多因素,一些比其他的更明显,为什么有人患有抑郁症或C-PTSD,等。父母都将对孩子产生影响。没有完美的父母。我们生活在一个社会,断开母亲和他们的孩子在很多层面上。学校并不适合所有孩子的环境,经常欺负。有这么多的压力对孩子坐下来吸收信息,每天6小时,通过考试,取得好成绩,和100%的出勤率都是必需的。

我也明白,她有她自己的路在这的生活。现在我知道,任何家庭模式的变化是不会放弃我的孩子,当她需要我。是的,我是她的母亲,但我的工作是让她感到安全,足以让她去她的生活,不管它可能是什么,给她。

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